Can you hear me now?

When we talk to others, sometimes they aren’t really listening. They have their own agenda and while appearing to pay attention to us, their minds aren’t really focused on our words. We struggle to communicate our point of view, while feeling frustrated when they don’t get it. Something interferes. We blame the TV, the cell phone, the job, the kids, or the chocolate fudge brownies.

What if the interference is somewhere else? Suppose the problem lies in our own behavior? If we want to influence the way another person listens, we need to look beyond our words and responses, beyond the other person’s distractions, and focus on the patterns we have developed in our lives from the remote past. Our inability to communicate with others in this lifetime relates directly to a conflict in the past that sticks to us like bubble gum to the soles of our shoes. We didn’t see it when it happened, but it makes it difficult to move forward.

We don’t know how this conflict appeared, but we can change the way it manifests in the present and the future. By seeking wisdom in this lifetime, we can elevate our life condition and recognize the obstacles to our success. When we discover our responsibility for the relationship, we can walk right through the obstruction in our path and create a dynamic relationship where the other person will sit up and take notice.

We only need one many-faceted tool to create this dynamism – dialogue. When we listen and respond appropriately to the other person, they hear what we said and respond appropriately to us. Learning to use dialogue takes practice, just like giving up complaining takes 21 days according to Rev. Will Bowen. “It’s the length of time, he said, that it takes to break a habit” (Conrads, David. “Stop Complaining.” Christian Science Monitor. 19 Feb. 2008, p. 20). But when we accomplish the task of changing our communication patterns, the reward shows up as happiness in our relationships.

Create more peace and justice. So many things come to mind that relate to this topic. I just finished reading Desmond Tutu's book, No Future Without Forgiveness and saw how the concept of asking forgiveness reconciled the differences, the anger, the atrocities of South Africans against South Africans creating an impetus towad a peaceful, forgiving society.

What did the Truth and Reconciliation Commission do? They listened. They heard the pain, the sorrow, the guilt and did not pass judgment. That's the first step toward creating more peace and justice. Listening without judging.

We don't listen.

We don't interrupt. We are, in fact, a civilized society.

But we don't listen. We wait until the other person takes a breath, all the while conjuring up our next brilliant, sarcastic reply, then we jump up on our own soapbox, not even considering what the other person said. We may not even be speaking on the same topic. Because we didn't listen.

How does one listen?

By putting aside all thoughts. By focusing on the tone, the body language and the words of the speaker. By looking at another person and seeing perfection, not deficiency. By giving our entire being to the content that is delivered. Not to the flaws in grammar or the nervous twitches. By listening to what is being said.

Just listen. Nod your head a few times. Say, "Um hmmm."

See what returns to you. See what the other person means. See where the discussion goes when you aren't in control of it.