Did you ever have the experience of someone telling you, “You should do this or that,” but you dismissed it? It won’t work, I already tried it, it’s too easy, it’s too hard, etc. Then on another instance, just talking to someone helped you figure out your own solution that might have been very similar to the original “should” you heard. Is it the first friend who planted a seed? I don’t think so. I think that when we listen carefully without “shoulding” on others, we allow them to find their own solutions.
The other day, I was listening to my friend talk about her financial problems and her life in general. She needed a listener and I was waiting for a meeting to end so happily listened. When she was thirteen years old, her mother died and she went into foster care – a very bumpy ride involving rebellion, eating disorders, unsavory friends, and dropping out of high school. Now in her forties, she has little training other than serving in restaurants and doing nails. But she manages to maintain a positive attitude and a secure life in spite of her low income and lack of skills. At the very end of our conversation, she said, “At least I don’t do drugs and stuff like my mom did.” The next day, I saw her again and she said, “You know, after I got home yesterday, I realized that I use sleeping aids but they make me groggy the next day. Then I have to drink coffee to wake up. Do you think I’m an addict? Now I have to work on getting off this habit.”
The day before, I didn’t cast any "shoulds" on my friend, but due to our conversation, she was able to come to her own conclusions. That demonstrates the power of dialogue, listening, and keeping "shoulds" out of the conversation. When I truly listen to others and allow them to reach their own conclusions, the results are much more satisfying than if I had said over and over again that she should do this or that. She has her life to live and I don’t know what it’s like. All I can be is a mirror helping her to see herself through her own words and actions.
Showing posts with label dialogue. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dialogue. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Can you hear me now?
When we talk to others, sometimes they aren’t really listening. They have their own agenda and while appearing to pay attention to us, their minds aren’t really focused on our words. We struggle to communicate our point of view, while feeling frustrated when they don’t get it. Something interferes. We blame the TV, the cell phone, the job, the kids, or the chocolate fudge brownies.
What if the interference is somewhere else? Suppose the problem lies in our own behavior? If we want to influence the way another person listens, we need to look beyond our words and responses, beyond the other person’s distractions, and focus on the patterns we have developed in our lives from the remote past. Our inability to communicate with others in this lifetime relates directly to a conflict in the past that sticks to us like bubble gum to the soles of our shoes. We didn’t see it when it happened, but it makes it difficult to move forward.
We don’t know how this conflict appeared, but we can change the way it manifests in the present and the future. By seeking wisdom in this lifetime, we can elevate our life condition and recognize the obstacles to our success. When we discover our responsibility for the relationship, we can walk right through the obstruction in our path and create a dynamic relationship where the other person will sit up and take notice.
We only need one many-faceted tool to create this dynamism – dialogue. When we listen and respond appropriately to the other person, they hear what we said and respond appropriately to us. Learning to use dialogue takes practice, just like giving up complaining takes 21 days according to Rev. Will Bowen. “It’s the length of time, he said, that it takes to break a habit” (Conrads, David. “Stop Complaining.” Christian Science Monitor. 19 Feb. 2008, p. 20). But when we accomplish the task of changing our communication patterns, the reward shows up as happiness in our relationships.
What if the interference is somewhere else? Suppose the problem lies in our own behavior? If we want to influence the way another person listens, we need to look beyond our words and responses, beyond the other person’s distractions, and focus on the patterns we have developed in our lives from the remote past. Our inability to communicate with others in this lifetime relates directly to a conflict in the past that sticks to us like bubble gum to the soles of our shoes. We didn’t see it when it happened, but it makes it difficult to move forward.
We don’t know how this conflict appeared, but we can change the way it manifests in the present and the future. By seeking wisdom in this lifetime, we can elevate our life condition and recognize the obstacles to our success. When we discover our responsibility for the relationship, we can walk right through the obstruction in our path and create a dynamic relationship where the other person will sit up and take notice.
We only need one many-faceted tool to create this dynamism – dialogue. When we listen and respond appropriately to the other person, they hear what we said and respond appropriately to us. Learning to use dialogue takes practice, just like giving up complaining takes 21 days according to Rev. Will Bowen. “It’s the length of time, he said, that it takes to break a habit” (Conrads, David. “Stop Complaining.” Christian Science Monitor. 19 Feb. 2008, p. 20). But when we accomplish the task of changing our communication patterns, the reward shows up as happiness in our relationships.
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