Reframe Bullying, Achieve Goals

Do you avoid being alone? Do you keep yourself busy so that you don’t feel the space of aloneness crowding in on you? Do you substitute feeling alone with drugs or alcohol? I received a book to review that spent the first two-thirds of its verbiage on bemoaning the sad life of self–absorbed women victims of misguided parents, friends, relatives, sick uncles, alcoholics, self-absorbed partners and employers.

I’m a compassionate person, but after reading 150 pages relating events about these sad, desperate people, I’m feeling burned out. Within these pages, I found two solutions to this sorry state of aloneness: become more self-absorbed by finding your life force, and return to your secret garden. Granted, there are still about a hundred pages left, but I don’t think I can endure the potential for self-absorption much longer.

I am reminded of a time when my daughter, Debbie, started playing clarinet. Yes, the first year of playing an instrument can be difficult for the listeners, but Debbie had a natural musical talent and in the spring of that first year, she was preparing for her fifth-grade band concert, soloing with “Pop! Goes the Weasel” and adding her own little improvisation to the end of the tune. She decided one beautiful day to practice outside on the side porch.

As she practiced, our neighbor walked by and said, “Debbie, you sound like a sick cow!” I heard the comment and waited for Debbie’s response. Debbie continued to practice and when she finished and came back inside, she said, “Mom, I think our neighbor doesn’t feel very good about herself.” She played beautifully in her concert and continued to study clarinet and is now an accomplished clarinetist with a doctorate in clarinet performance. Had she been one of those self-absorbed victims, I shudder to think what might have become of her. But rather, she saw through our neighbor’s ugly comment and labeled it low-self esteem instead of a personal attack.

Although I understand that there may be people in this world who suffer at the hands of bullies, abusers, inept parents, and others, I’m sorry to say that this book I’m reading probably does not offer the solution to their pain.

Grit Gets Me out of My Slump

I’m in a slump as can be seen by the dearth of entries in this blog. What is in my way? For the past several months, I have been feeling at loose ends, not focused, starting and not finishing projects, setting goals and failing to follow through on many of them. Being self-employed I sabotage my own ambitions by wanting to spend more time playing Scrabulous on Facebook than on anything else on my to-do list. I’m good at Scrabulous and I’ve won all the games I have played so far (which isn’t all that many) but all I really want to do is play Scrabulous and win, win, win. Maybe there should be an Olympic Scrabulous event.

What is it about the psychology of winning? Why do we want to win? To show that we’re better than others? Better than the best? What is so important about winning? Why do I like it when my score is higher than my opponents? It makes me feel good about myself, yes. Is that it? Does it make me feel less about others? No. I appreciate their wanting to play. But I’m afraid that if I win too much, they won’t want to play anymore. But I don’t want to cheat just to let them win. That’s why I was wondering whether I could play Scrabulous solitaire. But that would not be as much fun because of the social interaction. So do I let up a little or try to win? If someone lets up a little and lets me win, would I like it better than losing? No. I wouldn’t like the absence of a challenge.

So to figure out the answers to these questions, I Googled “the psychology of winning” and found an article in Psychology Today Magazine by Peter Doskoch called “The Winning Edge.” In it he outlines several qualities of people of average intelligence who accomplish their goals to solve difficult mathematical problems or get good grades in school. These qualities like grit, passion, ambition, self-discipline, optimism, and persistence comprise the winning edge. In addition Doskoch says, “Truly gritty people, however, tend to set especially challenging long-term goals” like the mathematician who spent ten years working on proving a theory as opposed to those who fail to show grit. And concerning getting good grades, he says, “The data demonstrate the need for parents and teachers to praise effort rather than ability.” It’s not how smart people are, it’s how much effort they put into achieving their goals.

So winning has nothing to do with besting someone else. It has to do with setting a goal and focused effort toward accomplishing it that might mean indirectly being better than someone else, but mostly it means achieving a personal goal to have a better time, get a higher score, of make longer, higher point words. So it looks like I have substituted playing Scrabulous for accomplishing my goals.

Does that get me out of my slump? It helps me see that without persistence, passion, self-discipline, ambition, optimism and grit, I’m not going to achieve my goals. Maybe that’s all I need to get started again on my goal of selling ten books a day, writing eight articles a month, earning more money, and starting an investment portfolio.

Source:
Doskoch, Peter. “The Winning Edge.” Psychology Today Magazine. Nov/Dec 2005.

Many in body, one in mind

The Japanese term itai doshin translates to many in body, one in mind. This means that although we are different (many in body) in order to succeed we must be of one mind.

We all look different. We have different facial characteristics, skin colors, body types, cultural cues, and mannerisms - even physical or handicapping conditions. This makes life interesting. This makes us want to get to know another person. If everyone looked exactly the same, we would have to have some other characteristic to tell us apart – maybe scent or feces color. Just think of it – my best friend makes purple poop! My acquaintances create yellow poop! That’s pretty silly and shows how the concept many in body allows us to recognize each other easily.

Now, let’s look at the other side of the equation – one in mind. When we are of one mind with someone, our lives are peaceful. We agree on our goals and work together to achieve them. That’s how we raise healthy children. If both parents agree on the rules and procedures for following the rules, their household is much more peaceful than when the parents are at odds with each other.

Think about people with whom you share one mind – you agree on how things are to be done and accomplish your goals in harmony. List the “rules” you use to communicate, operate, and achieve success. Maybe you have a family conference. Maybe you get together for lunch and discuss your ideas. Most likely you have differences of opinion, but you learn to listen to each other and try to find the best path to move forward.

Now think about people with whom you clash. Your mind is different than theirs. When a plan is made, the other person objects. When the objection is raised, the other person pouts. While the pouting persists, the other person does his or her own thing. When the pouter gets angry, the other person becomes defensive, and on and on. Nothing of substance is accomplished and the ongoing friction rubs people the wrong way on a merry-go-round of unhappiness.

How can we go from different minds to one mind? Using dialogue. When a plan is made, discuss the different factors in the plan. Is this the best location? What if someone is in a wheelchair? How will we accommodate different people? What is our goal? To make sure everyone is comfortable and informed. How can we accomplish that goal? By choosing the right time, the right place and the right people to invite. Once everyone involved in the planning has an opportunity to express their ideas and concerns, the plan becomes one that all can support.

That sounds really nice for planning an event. But what about a really serious issue like divorce, abuse, or suicide? That’s when people’s minds experience real conflict.

I read a book once titled “Can You Wait Until Friday?” about how to respond to someone who is considering suicide. The premise was that when something looks really hopeless, waiting a few days, allows the environment or situation to change demonstrating that the hopelessness is a feeling that is flexible and bound to change in a few hours or a few days. In the meantime, using dialogue to uncover the source of the hopelessness strengthens both people in the discussion and allows them to find unity in a mind dedicated to accomplishing a goal as partners rather than pulling against each other by trying to control or feeling despair.

Remembering the concept “many in body, one in mind” helps us to use dialogue with others in order to maintain harmony and accomplish our goals.

Managing My Inner Critic

I’m learning more about my inner critic. I have known for years that everyone in my family has a tendency to say something like, “That was stupid of me!” or “I’m stupid!” and I thought that I had conquered that tendency in myself until recently when my daughter, Mary Andrus, told me about a workshop she conducted at an art therapy conference at which she led the participants in listening to their inner critic while doing art.

After hearing about her workshop, I began paying attention once again to the voice in my head that tries to keep me from achieving my goals, whether it is in the area of marketing my books, writing my blog, or painting watercolors. Lo and behold, my critic is alive and well. I’ve been keeping a list of its comments and as you can see below, after my critic speaks, I have a little dialogue with it.

STUPID!
I can’t do it.
Get me outta here!
I’m scared.
I don’t want to do it.
What the !#%! is wrong with me?
Why don’t I just try and see what happens?
I know that I will get a varied reception depending on whom I talk to.
Am I scared that they will bite me?
Am I scared of rejection?
How many rejections must I endure before I give up?
How about 10?
Make 10 calls and then stop.
I’ve done this before. It’s not my first time.
So just do it.

You wimp! You wimplet!
I don’t know how to do this!!
Okay. So do something, maybe make a mistake, and learn how to do it better next time.

So there you have it. A dialogue between my inner critic and me. It's almost like a poem. I am happy to report that once the dialogue reveals itself, I have been able to proceed within a few minutes to up to twenty-four hours for the scarier tasks.

So what does this have to do with peace and justice? Our inner critic sometimes blocks the efforts we would like to make to achieve peace and justice. But by having a dialogue with it, we can get around the blockage and move forward toward achieving our goals.