Keeping "shoulds" out of dialogue

Did you ever have the experience of someone telling you, “You should do this or that,” but you dismissed it? It won’t work, I already tried it, it’s too easy, it’s too hard, etc. Then on another instance, just talking to someone helped you figure out your own solution that might have been very similar to the original “should” you heard. Is it the first friend who planted a seed? I don’t think so. I think that when we listen carefully without “shoulding” on others, we allow them to find their own solutions.

The other day, I was listening to my friend talk about her financial problems and her life in general. She needed a listener and I was waiting for a meeting to end so happily listened. When she was thirteen years old, her mother died and she went into foster care – a very bumpy ride involving rebellion, eating disorders, unsavory friends, and dropping out of high school. Now in her forties, she has little training other than serving in restaurants and doing nails. But she manages to maintain a positive attitude and a secure life in spite of her low income and lack of skills. At the very end of our conversation, she said, “At least I don’t do drugs and stuff like my mom did.” The next day, I saw her again and she said, “You know, after I got home yesterday, I realized that I use sleeping aids but they make me groggy the next day. Then I have to drink coffee to wake up. Do you think I’m an addict? Now I have to work on getting off this habit.”

The day before, I didn’t cast any "shoulds" on my friend, but due to our conversation, she was able to come to her own conclusions. That demonstrates the power of dialogue, listening, and keeping "shoulds" out of the conversation. When I truly listen to others and allow them to reach their own conclusions, the results are much more satisfying than if I had said over and over again that she should do this or that. She has her life to live and I don’t know what it’s like. All I can be is a mirror helping her to see herself through her own words and actions.